We know you have too much money, and are looking for ways to spend it any way you can. We’ll call it the Jeff Bezos problem.
Lucky for you, we have a solution. On your next trip, there are going to be COUNTLESS ways to spend money when you don’t need to. Heck, you might as well burn your money! Here are our 10 best secrets on how to spend the most on vacation.
1. Use a travel agent because the internet is hard
Raise your hand if you don’t like using the internet. Now raise your other hand if you just literally raised your hand. Wow, I bet you look dumb sitting at a computer raising both your hands because you don’t like the internet, but still follow instructions you found on that internet. Hands down, now listen up as I hit you with some knowledge.
Which of these sounds better?
Door number 1. You use that 3 pound organ in your skull for once and get your butt online. You’ll spend time looking at the most beautiful places on earth and deciding which ones would be your favorite to travel to. You make a reasonable choice based on what you can afford while maximizing how much fun you’ll have.
Door number 2. You use your phone to actually call a travel agent who tells you about the best places to spend your money. They book you a flight that is double the price you’d pay if you book yourself, but (and get this…) they also book you a hotel that is triple online prices. What’s more? You pay them to do it! What a deal!
No brainer. Door number 2 and I am BREAKING the door down as I sprint through like the Kool Aid Man.
2. Shovel overpriced grub into that face hole
You heard me. I didn’t say sit at a nice little bistro and order a sandwich that is healthy, delicious, and reasonably priced. We are going around the corner to that posh little joint with the velvet ropes outside.
Once we’re seated, time to order the caviar, make it a double, with a side of goat cheese rolled in banana leaves served over a bed of seared shark fin and a rhino horn on top. The whole meal tastes like you just shoved a kitchen aid mixer in your mouth and flipped the switch, but hey, this is all about power, not taste. Now everyone in the room is checking you out, and it’s not because you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe like last time.
You’re the biggest baller in the place and everyone knows it, including that hot blonde at the next table. Of course you won’t go talk to her, and even if you did you’d probably barf up your goat cheese banana leaf doobies from earlier, but who cares right?
3. My feet hurt let’s get a cab
“Oh my God I cannot believe we are walking a full five blocks on our VACATION! It is a vacation isn’t it? I expect to be picked up by horse and buggy at my hotel doorstep and dropped off precisely 5.5 feet from our destination.” Who here has dated this person?
What a winner! This is literally the perfect date on your money-burning vacay. God did not give you two feet so that you could spout around town strutting those glutes you’ve been slaving away at the gym on. No sir. He gave you those two feet so that you could crawl your sorry butt into a big yellow cab and plant them on the floor mats where they belong. Work on your whistle, you’re going to need it.
4. Splurge on a place to leave your bags
Can’t stress this one enough. Your bags are literally your most important possession. More important than your wedding ring. More important than your diploma. Heck, I’ll say it, more important than a kidney or lung. You got two don’t ya!
What you don’t have two of is that brand new red bathing suit you want to throw on to impress people online. God forbid anything, ANYTHING, happens to that red bathing suit.
That’s why you better splurge for a five star location to leave your bags. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking: “Why would I book an expensive place to stay? I’m going to be out and about all day every day!” You just thinking that tells me you don’t know what you’re talking about.
If you don’t take care of your bag, your bag won’t take care of you. If you throw down into some dingy Airbnb or a hostel with the other peasants exploring this city, then your bag is going to hit the road at the first possible chance. And say goodnight to you balling on Instagram in that sexy red suit. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
5. Research is for losers
Enough said. You even making it to number 5 on this list already tells me you aren’t prepared to be a true travel baller. You’d probably be dropping dimes into the Trevi fountain while we’re all out here chucking fist-fulls of euro pieces splashing you losers.
Don’t waste your time on research, trust me. You’ll end up way overeducated and flush on cash. That’s a recipe for disaster. You can NOT let that Instagram model you’ve been DMing (and she even responded once!) catch you researching, how lame is that?!
6. Dang is that an unnecessary souvenir you don’t need? Treat yo self
You can say that again. If I had a nickel for every unnecessary piece of shit I bought on every vacation, I’d probably have enough to buy another unnecessary piece of shit. If I get my hands on one more shot glass with a beach drawn on it I think my cabinets will explode. Not from being overstuffed, but from being unable to contain that much swag.
You know you’re going to want to feast your eyes on a ballin crystal snow globe or a mini statue of the Colosseum made out of whale ivory every damn day of your life. So saunter on over to that Swarovski or the local peddler and rip out that wallet. Give him a tip even because we both know you got the cheese to burn anyways, you maverick renegade.
7. Bring your entire closet for your 4 day trip you psycho
You know it. I know it. Us ballers will change at least 6 times every day on vacation. And I will be caught dead before I’m caught without options. Can I get an AMEN??
Here’s the hard part. Which Ed Hardy shirt will go best with my True Religions I just snipped into cut-offs? I literally can’t decide, so I’m just going to bring all three. You do the same, pile up all 7 pairs of Chuck Taylors, just in case the first 6 get dirty. And don’t forget the mink coat with matching beaver vest. You do NOT want to be walking into a posh palace without that puffy mink draped over those slender shoulders.
Yeah, yeah, the airline is going to charge you for bringing 8 bags, BFD! Think of how epic you will look strutting through the airport with 8 bags behind you… If the ladies aren’t THROWING bras at you then you come tell me, because I NEVER want to be seen in that airport.
8. These butt cheeks only sit in first class seats
You know the worst part about traveling? Having to be herded like cats with the peasants into the plane. It just feels gross, like are you kidding me, keep your smallpox back in coach with your Coors Lights and free peanuts you posers.
If I had it my way, the rich people would have their own plane that was powered by the coach people packed in steerage shoveling coal into the engines. If anything, they’re at least good for keeping my seat warm while my powdered bottom plops out a few chocolate submarines into the plane’s loo. “WTF this plane doesn’t even have a bidet? Get one of those scrubs up here to shoot water into my bum bum, and STAT!”
9. Buy the bar a double round of Crown… Okay calm down Big & Rich
Ballers buy shots. It’s just what we do, and god damn do we do it well. Kick open the double doors to a saloon, chuck your leather threads onto some unsuspecting dweeb sitting in the corner sipping an IPA, and toss that big ol belt buckle onto the edge of the bar.
“Hey babe, why don’t you show me your good side and pour me up a double Crown, make it snappy. Matter of fact, make it a round for all these losers gifted by the midst of my presence.” It’s important to drastically increase the volume as you make it through this sentence. If you do it right, the dweeb holding your leather jacket will let out a “whoop” and the whole bar will erupt in applause, reminding you of your well-deserved alpha status.
10. Credit cards are just free money
I am literally in shock on this one. All you have to do is fill out a few sheets of paper, and they literally fork over a money card. The thing is little plastic portal to the sweet life. If you’re smart, like me, you’ll get like 10 of these and don’t look back. Going 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction is better than half-assing your way to a bronze medal every time, am I right?
Bonus 11: We’ll take it!
And our best secret yet, just give your money to us! We’ll trade you for some awesome shirts we designed!
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